Memories

I saw an old girlfriend of mine on the bus today. We were friends since we were kids. A couple for a few years. Now she's just another face on the bus. But one question always persists, and it's like stab in the heart every time: What if?

What if I hadn't listened to my parents? What if I had married her? What if I had stayed with her? Where would we be now? What would have happened if we'd stuck it out?

That was the problem right there. That first question. My parents said there was 'something wrong with that family'. They said her parents were only trying to 'push her off on me' so they 'didn't have to deal with her'. Maybe it was true. Maybe not. I don't know, and I probably never will.

The fact of the matter is that I still think about her. Maybe not as much anymore, since I don't see her hardly at all, but I do still think about her. Having depression doesn't help. I'm not sure if the depression adds to the pain or vice versa, but either way, this is killing me every time I see her. Now I ask myself, "What in the hell was I thinking?" I don't have any idea.

And now it's even worse. I've spent so much time away from her that I'm afraid even to approach her. I can't talk to women. I just can't. But her...

I know her better than anyone, save (of course) for herself. To have been close friends with someone for so long...to have known someone so deeply...it's painful to think about now. Almost too painful. But I don't hate her for it. I could hate my parents for it; I am certainly still pissed at them over it, for the above reasons. But mostly, I blame myself. I shouldn't have listened to them. To tell the truth, I think I still love her. And that's what hurts the most.